you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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