That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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