There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
