True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
