i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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