i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
