I can tuck mytits in my pants
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
