I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
