her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
