I need help removing her.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
