Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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