I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
