In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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