ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize