I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
