I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I will be naked everywhere
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
