have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
