i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
