what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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