Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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