sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize