Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
