what day is it and did you see me today?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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