I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
