She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
