just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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