I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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