I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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