New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
