She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
