i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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