My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
