she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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