she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize