DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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