nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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