I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
