I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
