Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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