I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
