i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
