Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
