so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
