Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
