I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
