a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
