My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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