Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
