every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
