Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
