I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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