the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize