By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
