I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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