Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize