Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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